Wishes

Back here.

I wish I'm living and working in my hometown. Where i could be at the waterfalls, or at the beach on random weekends. Times where i dont have to plan, just go with what i wanna do.  Perhaps just stay at home,  doing nothing with my parents.

Where all my loved ones are near.

I miss my old life.

"Hold My Heart" by Sara Bareilles

I never meant to be the one to let you down

If anything, I thought I saw myself going first

I didn't know how to stick around

How to see anybody but me be getting hurt

I keep remembering the summer night

And the conversation breaking up the mood

I didn't want to tell you you were right

Like the season changing, oh, I felt it too

Does anybody know how to hold my heart

How to hold my heart?

'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go too soon

I want to tell you so before the sun goes dark

How to hold my heart

'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go of you

I'm not the kind to try to tell you lies

But the truth is you've been hiding from it too

I see the end sneaking in behind your eyes

Saying things no words could ever do

Does anybody know how to hold my heart

How to hold my heart?

'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go too soon

I want to tell you so before the sun goes dark

How to hold my heart

'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go of you

Is anybody listening?

'Cause I'm crying

Is anybody listening?

Does anybody know how to hold my heart

How to hold my heart?

'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go too soon

I want to tell you so before the sun goes dark

How to hold my heart

'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go of you

Does anybody know how to hold my heart

How to hold my heart?

'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go too soon

I want to tell you so before the sun goes dark

How to hold my heart

'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go

I don't want let go, let go of you

I don't want to let go

Blog Abandoned For the Nth Time

I'm sorry dear blog, I was just so caught up in a world that I created in my head. Lol.

A lot of things happened. But one thing I know,

J said I push relationship away. which she sometimes is not sure why.

Well, sometimes I just had to do it. I can't imagine my life in a relationship with someone who claimed that he studied how to make a bomb (for example).

And i push it away not because I don't like that person. I had doubts. If that person will ever accept me for what I am. And what if the other person doesn't like me the way I like him.

Dear My Mr Darcy, I'm tired of waiting for you. Find yourself a Garmin and start looking for the right coordinate, please. Be fast. I'd like to slap you for being late.

Changing lanes, changing your life path

I guess i need a change.

A change that i hope will benefit me and people around me.

Sometimes doing what you do, trying, when some people take advantage, and take you for granted really is shortening your life span.

A friend said, staying in a toxic aura can make you negative too.

I guess i really need a change. But first i need to be brave.

I pray that god give me the strength. Im not running away. I just have to leave.

I hope life will get better for everyone.

Chicken bbq

Aside from lamb, i often marinade chicken. Now here's the recipe for today's chicken bbq.

Shallots
Garlic
Ginger
Gula apong
Granulated sugar
Corriander powder
Curry powder
Chilli powder
Turmeric powder
Salt

Yummmmssss....

More lamb marinade

I made another marinade today. The recipe as follow:-

Heinz original bbq sauce
Hunts honey hickory bbq sauce
Chilli powder
Gula apong
Granulated sugar

Yep, i think that is all. This is the nicest so far. Sbb ada sugar. The sugar caramelized and give this slightly burnt flavor and prevent the lamb from drying. Yummmmsssss

Mary had a little lamb

Arghhhhhh...shoot!

During our last bbq, i marinated the lamb. Ok, the recipe is different this time and to me it tastes better than the previous one. Hmmmmm.....i think there was only 3 ingredients needed....

Heinz bbq sauce
Chilli powder (babas pun boleyyyy

• Gula apong (a variant of the jaggery, which is made from the sap of the nipah palm or Nypa fruticans.) - thank you wikipedia. 

Mix everything together and marinate overnight.  Yummmmsssss~

Tired.

The meeting was okay. Bashed a little, but i survived. Hahahahha..

Was suppose to have fun  with everyone tonight but what the heck. Im just too tired anyway. Guess i'll sleep early tonight. 

Sweet dreams, dear me. 

What you should know

I wrote this last night. Just so u know..

Kambing BBQ

Last week, just before Ramadhan my family had this little gathering, tahlil and a little celebration on my parents' 34th wedding anniversary. So, ada BBQ la sikit...Sebenarnya, ayah request nak kambing bakar macam aku buat dulu. The problem is, i never remember my recipe. So today, aku nak abadikan ingredients aku kat sini. hmmm...

Kambing
Hunt's Honey Hickory Sauce
Gula apong
Madu
Cayenne pepper
Cajun spice

Setakat ni ramai kata sedap, termasuk abang sedara aku yang dari Makasar tu.. Dia punya BM memang lain sikit, dan makanan pun lain.. So, kalau dia kata 'nyamang' (nyaman/sedap) tu kira bole la kan...heheheheh...

But i don't have any photos of the lamb. Warui ne...sibuk sangat lupa nak ambik gamba...hmmm...

Here.

The Family Day was fun. For dinner i had chicken, sausages, prawns and crab. 

The bad part was my superior fell when they were playing games, his chest hit the ground first. I thinj ut made everyone panic for a while, but alhamdulillah he was okay...

and i guess the best part of it was i had a good laugh with friends. And being able to go to Pandan Beach. Pandan was beautiful, even more beautiful than i remembered it was. I remember vaguely when my family and i went there, i was about 4, or maybe 5?i think we went there with my mom's colleagues, with the bus, and the ferry. I remember drowning. There. But i was never scared of the water. Alhamdulillah. In fact i love it more. Haha. I guess that is one of the reason why i love pandan beach, other than remembering it was beautiful. 

Good things must come to an end. I guess it was true that the person who laugh the most is the one who is easily hurt. Yes. Being sensitive hurts you easily. You can laugh, but deep down you know it hurts. Some big things, the obvious sometimes doesnt hurts, but small things does. My my....i should use my heart even less than i have now.

Why am i updating my blog although it looked like i have forgotten about it?because a friend, a sister told me i have so many things to say in fb, so why don't i blog? Yep, i almost forgot that i actually own a blog. Ahahah...now now...let's just sleep. Goodnight.

The Title?

The Iron? (refer to previous post)...what was the iron about?nothing related to the iron at all..hahahaha...

And yet, i am here, after almost a year abandoning this blog. Dear blog, I'm sorry...So many things happened this year, and not even a single post updated. For Driving miri-Kuching-Miri to the wedding, and the blue tear, and oh i can't remember the other stuff...hmmm...ok...i'll be back in a few hours. So many work to do, and so little time left..hmmm...ttfn.ttyl.

The Iron

Life wasn't that fun last weekend. I was suppose to come back here last sunday and after my long lost friend's akad, but I had to go to Lawas on Saturday, so there goes my weekend. Well Lawas was suppose to be fun, but it ended up kinda shitty, due to some people's attitude, or it was me who's being too emotional. oh, there's a fly in my room. I wonder how it got up here. Dear Encik Lalat, go away before i kill you.

October was a month that i feel fun, but i don't think my birthday month gave me the same happiness. My birthday however was okay, i rarely had fun during my birthday, but this year turned out to be okay, just okay. Nothing bad, nothing too nice. I wasn't expecting anything, i only hope that no shit will happen. 

Lawas was a major disappointment, from the moment i reached there, i almost constantly chanting to myself that i shouldn't have been there. It got worse during the evening, and worse on Saturday evening. The Pesta Lawas was okay tho, i even bought Stevia which was sold cheaply there (well, they were promoting the stuff, so i was really really cheap), and the fella even gave me stevia leaves to try. Buying Stevia means I'll have to say no to Altel Simcard, My guess was Altel was cheap, but i think i've had enough shopping. hahaha. Its the middle of the month and as I said, October and November wasn't been nice enough to my pocket. haha!

I just hope tomorrow life will give me happiness.

Blog, blogger, blogging

I used tp blog everyday. yes, everyday. But now, i've lost my touch. ahahaha..touch la sangat...dulu blog panjang berjela, sekarang 3 4 lines dah siap...haish...i am such a boring person. i've a lot to tell but i only have it in my mind. Not so much of a verbal person anymore?? Maybe, sbb sekarang aku akan penat bila berbual terlalu lama....oh dear me, please get a life~~

Pergi tak kembali

Pernah tak tersangka orang yang kita cinta dan sayang akan tinggalkan kita? Hidup ataupun mati, kita ditinggalkan. Sakitnya bila yang pergi meninggalkan kita dengan sejuta memori.

Aku rasa tak sanggup nak baca cerita pasal ahmad hakimi, dan isterinya, asma'a, kerana pasti kisah yang pergi tak kembali meruntun jiwa. Ramai yang membaca, menangis dan merasakan indahnya kisah cinta itu, dan tragiknya bila segalanya berakhir sekelip mata. Mereka di dalam MH17 kembali satu persatu ke Malaysia dan negara2 asal, meninggal rasa duka yang tidak terungkap oleh kata-kata. Hanya yang merasa memahami. Sedih yang diungkap, pilu yang dirasa.

Aku harap semua hanya mimpi. Satu omongan, fitnah dari dunia siber yang sentiasa memuntahkan pelbagai kebenaran dan kepalsuan. begitu juga MH370, andai mati mana kuburnya?andai hidup mana orangnya? 2 peristiwa yang benar-benar menyentuh hati.

Tuhan Maha Mendengar. Mungkin dulu kita kata ketika MH370 tidak dapat dikesan, lebih baik kalau tahu MH370 terhempas, sekurang-kurangnya kita tahu semua dah kembali kepada Sang Pencipta.

Kita duji sekali lagi dengan kembalinya mereka di dalam perut MH17 kepada Sang Pencipta. Benar, kita temui di mana mayatnya, kita tahu di mana kuburnya, tapi ia tidak mengurangkan walau sedikitpun rasa kehilangan, sebal, sedih, nyilu dan pilu di dalam hati.

Tiba masanya kita belajar. Untuk bersatu, menjadi dewasa, matang, menjadi lebih baik. dan paling penting menyebut yang baik-baik sahaja, kerana kata-kata itu adalah doa.

Bagi pengkritik dan haters, Kau boleh kritik, kata semua tak bagus, sebab di hati kau hanya kau dan sahabat kau sahaja yang sempurna. Ya benar, kita perlu belajar, sentiasa ada ruang untuk penambahbaikan, kerana yang sempurna hanyalah Dia, pemilik sekalian alam, tapi bukan mereka sahaja, kau juga. Sudahlah, hentikan menghukum tanpa empati, tilik dulu dalam diri. Omongan itu cerminan diri. 

#mh17 #mh370

Fallin

I think i like you
Maybe even love you
Because
I miss you everyday
Every second
Every hour

But i hate
The me who fell for you
Selfishly in need
Of your constant attention
Clingy as i could ever be

Embarrassing myself
I know
All good things must end
You're just too good to be true
Perhaps...
I should stop
I must stop

I must
Stop myself
Before i
Fall deeper in devastation and agony

Dear heart
Please be smart
Falling is not a thing
For you~

Blog Update

I am suppose to update my blog, doing my review on World War Z that i just watched. But now i'm worried sick, of my brother who just met with an accident earlier today. *sigh* But i guess I'll have to postpone that one, and pour my feelings and my thoughts into an entry before I do anything stupid.

Oh Allah, please protect my dearest brother. I love him so much that i can't imagine anything happening to him. Dear little brother, please take a good care of yourself. I wish i could teleport myself to Shah Alam right this very minute. Do be extra careful now that you're injured. And lastly, please do well in your exam.

Too many kifarah these recent months. I am trying to stay as positive as I can. Always, there's a blessing in disguise.

Life is colorful, it can't be all white or pleasant colors. Sometimes it's grey and the rain comes. And the rainbow that appears after the rain makes us smile, or wetness after rain makes the color even prettier. Be positive, and be grateful, for every test makes us stronger and wiser, and He won't give us a test that He knows we couldn't pass.

Man of Steel

Watching Man of Steel was not in my to-do list today. Sepatutnya hari ni aku pergi order mak aku punya custom made cupboards dan teman Miss Deed buat grocery shopping, di samping aku sendiri beli barang sikit.Miss Kay ada sebut nak tengok Man of Steel semalam, tapi masa tu aku buat 'dono' je, until masa Miss Deed jemput aku, aku bagitau dia pasal Miss Kay nak lepak kat Coffee Bean sbb tersangat stress study untuk peperiksaan jabatan, plus nak tengok Man of Steel. Being a kaki wayang, Miss Deed terus agree untuk tengok Man of Steel, dan aku, pun terus kata ok dalam hati (nampak sangat aku pun kaki wayang kan?_, dalam kekeringan poket akibat servis dan repair kereta (compressor aircond sangat menekan jiwa..uhuhuhu) dan Raku yang sakit serta Yuki yang perlukan pemeriksaan kesihatan takut ter'infect' dengan penyakit anaknya.

SO, back to the Man of Steel. Wajarlah semua orang tahu yang Man of Steel adalah rebranding kepada tajuk Superman di mana Superman tidak lagi memakai seluar kecil di luar, dan pada aku di sini nampak Superman lebih perkasa. Kacak tu tak payah cerita la kan, Henry Cavill memang tersangat terserlah (see, the usage of the affixes 'ter' shows that he IS tersangat hensem di sini) kehensemannya, terutama sekali bila masih ada sedikit jambang di wajahnya, hmm...kalau buang sikit lagi memang lagi hensem la kan, tapi jangan buang semua laaa...heheh...the clean shaved version of clark kent/superman biasa la kan, that typical superman look, so tak ada yang terlalu istimewa. Aku rasa konsentrasi Miss Deed sedikit terganggu bila aku asyik memuji kekacakan Henry Cavill.haha. Sorry Miss Deed, he was just too good looking at that time to not be gaga over. hahahaha..

Movie ni berceritera tentang sejarah/asal usul Superman, dan makhluk yang mengejarnya (can't say manusia/orang sebab dorg bukan manusia pun kan). Dan pastilah lain sedikit jalan ceritanya berbanding cerita asal yang melekat di dalam kepala aku. Tapi kasih sayang ibu bapa biologi dan keluarga angkatnya memang kita tak dapat nafikan dari dulu, sikpa protektif keempat-empat ibu bapanya yang mahukan yang terbaik untuk anaknya bagi anaknya menjalani kehidupan normal, serta sanggup berkorban hatta nyawa sekalipun untuk anaknya, salah satu nilai yang ditanam di dalam cerita ini dari dulu.

Sepatutnya cerita ini lebih menarik tapi somehow i'm a little disappointed, not as interesting as i thought it would be. Dari segi pergerakan kamera memang la agak memeningkan kepala, rasa sedikit disoriented, rasa macam berada di dalam VR Cave tetapi berdiri/duduk di sudut yang kurang tepat/bukan focal point (padahal kami bukan tengok 3D movie punnnn...tengok 2D je....). Plus tahulah Superman tu memang boleh terbang laju tapi tak suka la bila asyik tunjuk dia terbang macam kilat.. So, garisan awan yang aku pernah nampak di langit dulu tu maknanya Superman sedang terbang lah ya?ehehe..joking. Flashbacks are good to make us understand the movie more, tapi aku terpaksa bersetuju dengan website Forbes yang flashbacks untuk ceritera ini agak berterabur. Tapi paling tak logikla bandar yang dah jadi padang jarak padang tekukur seolah-olah boleh direvive dalam masa yang sangat singkat. Dan semasa babak peperangan dan lawan berlawanan tu, aku pun terfikir "nasib baikla cerita Superman, Ultraman, etc ni cuma cerita semata-mata, kalau tak penat la asyik kena bina bangunan baru setiap kali hero berlawan dengan alien/raksasa".hahahaha.

Tapi aku rasa cerita ni boleh dinilai dari pelbagai sudut, teringat dengan pesanan pensyarah psikologi dulu suruh selalu tengok wayang dan belajar apa yang cuba disampaikan. Zod ni macam Hang Jebat versi AngMo, dan pemerintah Krypton ni sebenarnya dalam realiti ada di mana-mana. Kenapa? Sebab seperti kata Zod dan Jor-El, pada aku mereka ibarat superior degil yang sentiasa merasakan cara tradisional itu bagus dan wajar dikekalkan. Refusing change, or hardly accepting ideas, yang kalau ikut cerita ni telah mengakibatkan kepupusan makhluk sendiri. Perkara ini terjadi di mana-mana sahaja di dunia ni. Kedua, pada aku, walaupun Zod hanya mementingkan Krypton, tapi dia melakukan semua semata-mata kerana menyayangi Krypton. Zod pada aku bukanlah 100% jahat, kerana kita sendiri punya cara yang berbeza-beza untuk menunjukkan yang kita menyayangi sesuatu, dan kadang-kala tidak dinafikan kita terlalu bersikap posesif terhadap sesuatu. Yes, sedikit keterbukaan dan positif adalah apa yang Zod perlu ada. Jor-El, ayahanda Kal-El telah menemukan opsyen kepada kepupusan itu. If only Zod would accept it. Tapi yalah, aku juga memahami sikap Zod yang tidak mahu berkongsi tanah kerana takutkan pandangan manusia terhadap alien seperti mereka. A freak. Manusia kan memang sebahagian begitu, memulaukan manusia istimewa kerana beranggapan diri mereka sangat normal. Apa pun, perubahan memang memerlukan masa, dan kesabaran mendidik yang sangat tinggi diperlukan. Mendidik seorang manusia adalah satu cabaran, apa lagi bila cuba mendidik seluruh dunia? Dan takkan semua manusia boleh menerima keadaan itu, kan?

Takla kata worth watching, tapi tak la rugi. Macam-macam perasaan masa menonton, gembira, sedih, marah, cemas, lucu. Tapi, rebiu aku memang la lain sikit, sebab aku seronok menonton sambil berfikir dan menilai apa yang boleh aku pelajari, relate dengan kehidupan harian dan apa yang aku boleh cuba ubah pada diri aku agar jadi yang lebih baik daripada semalam. Yes, i am different and i am proud of that. :)

Eye Opener

Arini aku diarahkan ke rumah Pn Jabah Mingku Voon, isteri mendiang DSP Michael Padel. Aku expect kesedihan, tapi apa yang aku rasa semasa berada di sana adalah melebihi jangkaan aku. 

Kenapa ek? Aku tau Kak Jabah bersedih, dan walaupun aku tak berada di tempatnya tapi duduk bersama-samanya mendengar cerita buat perasaan sedih tu berganda. 

 Pertama kali aku dengar berita pasal kematian dua perajurit pertama kita aku dan kawan2 aku dah cukup sedih, hampir mengalirkan airmata membaca rentetan berita tu. On the way ke tempat kerja sempat jugak la aku menangis bila dgr wartawan membacakan berita pasal dorg. 

Beberapa hari lepas tu dpt pulak berita pasal 6 org lagi yang terkorban termasuklah DSP Micheal hati pun sedih balik..tak habis lagi sedih mengenangkan nasib anak perajurit yg masih kecil dan dalam kandungan...hmmm...dan kebetulan Isnin tu aku balik lambat, jadi masa balik terserempak la dgn kenderaan yg bawak mendiang..hati aku sekali lagi tersentuh..hmmm... 

 Tapi hari ni memang takdir dan rezeki aku untuk berjumpa dan berkenalan dengan Kak Jabah. Tak susah nak bercakap dengan dia sbb siang tadi memang tak ada orang lain di rumah. Hanya dia dan anaknya Loie. Dan tak susah jugak nak cari rumah dia sebab aku bawak kawan aku yang mmg tinggal kat kampung tu gak.. 

Dia cerita satu persatu apa yang terjadi masa tu. Dia shocked, balik ke Serian, sampailah hari ni. Apa yang aku rasa masa tu kesedihan dia sbb kehilangan tonggak keluarga, org yang paling dia sayangi, pelindung dia dan anaknya, dan macam keluarga yang lain, mendiang adalah segala-galanya bagi mereka. Rasa seolah-olah dunia menghempap dia, semuanya gelap. Emosi aku turut sama terganggu, sampai aku rasa letih yang teramat, lesu...

Dan dia satu-satunya isteri di antara mereka yang dibenarkan melihat suaminya untuk kali terakhir. Dan aku dapat rasakan kemarahannya terhadap penceroboh. Memperlakukan manusia lain macam tak ada harga. 

 Betapa kejam dan teganya mereka melakukan keganasan tanpa hati dan perasaan. Memalukan. And you call yourself a muslim? You guys are such an embarrassment to the muslim community, and give such a negative impact and reflection on Islam. 

 Dan terakhir sekali dia rasa bersyukur dan berterima kasih sebab ramai rakyat Malaysia yang bagi sokongan pada dia dan anaknya. Walau apapun anasir jahat kata, aku setuju hero-hero yang bertarung nyawa dan yang telah gugur ni wajar diberikan penghormatan sebab mempertahankan negara. 

Teringat masa jumpa dengan kawan masa ke KL 2 minggu lepas, "huda, ko kne ingat ni bukan main-main. Ni memang benar-benar terjadi." dan sorang lagi sahabat yang bertugas di Sabah yang sangat sakit hati sebab yang terkorban adalah sahabatnya. Kita yang dengar rasa sedih apalagi diorang yang mengalaminya. 

Aku benar-benar harap keluarga wira-wira ini tabah dan kuat dalam menjalani ujian dariNya. Kita ini hanya pinjaman, sampai masa kembali jua.   

Sent from Samsung Mobile

Day 1 without Voice

It started of as a mild cough when I was in KL next morning after I had my brother's vit.C. And then I started to feel as though I'm gonna be attacked by an asthma. Yesterday I had a feeling that I'm gonna be out of voice today.

And yes, my prediction was right. Well, I'm not actually an asthma patient anymore, kinda healed when I was 7 when I had to drink this weird tasted drink and there's this one thing that I couldn't eat for the rest of my life then. I did eat like 2 bites when I was 20, I was attacked for a day, but that's that. Maybe what I felt was just a side effect of what happened then.

So back to my story without a voice, people in the house are having hard time to hear me, usually I choose to try to talk as loud as I could but not this time. I chose to talk less today. Which brings me to my wish during the early days of Ramadhan this year, try not to talk too much.

This is why I think that Allah has granted me my wish, just for a few days(I wouldn't want a permanent one tho). He gave me what I need, He knows that I need it for these few days. And perhaps starting today I'll learn to talk less. :) I don't see this as a bad thing, but somehow, Alhamdulillah I see it as a blessing in disguise..


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