Destiny or Doom?

~ini adalah entry berani mati~

I don’t know if it was planned or it’s something that I hafta live through my whole life. It’s either giving me hopes or it’ll taunt me for the rest of my life. Destiny or doom?

The name of my boss’s newborn is Mohd Ashraf something. And I stupidly bought a book (can I call it stupid when I actually bought the book because I like the book? no!) with the main character’s name Ashraff and one character with the name Jay, and the girl’s brother, Along. I have nephews named Ashraf. Maybe my life only revolves along that name and that kind of character. What a life! Kalo camtu, jadik spinster la aku nihhhhh...adeiiiii!!!! Menyiksakan, menyakitkan dan memarahkan diri sendiri.

Urgh~! In my life Ashraf=Jay= Along=Kerbau is the same person. Yes, that one and only person. For those who knew my stupid love story since I was 10 would know who this person is.

Life has been better for me, I’m learning to be grateful, live happier, change to a better me (the hardest part) despite all the distractions, which is a test for us. Pdoz said the way I view life nowadays, and the way I think is difficult to realize. Maybe, but I think that’s the best for now. Perhaps it’s the best for all time. I mean, think about it, being grateful in everything. Good or bad. I mean, I you really think about it, it's not so hard. It's like a therapy for me.

But that one thing, I guess I haven’t been able to let go. Too much memory for that 3 short years. So each time I heard this name it still gives me impact. I do not know why the memories give such enormous impact. (Over la kan, enormous gitu. chewah! ;p)

As I was composing this entry I felt sad. I miss his presence in my life, I miss talking to him about everything, and I miss him. But I know this is something I have to endure. I shall not regret meeting him, for that I know meeting him was fate and there’s a reason for it to happen. I will feel what I felt then. Again. As to with who, I do not know. The future is vague. Lol.

Miss Jay should not worry, cos I’m not taking him away from her, and I have no intentions on doing so, believe me. Thanks to the power of egoistic and pride. The moment I knew that Miss Jay was with him, I’ve decided to never bother his life anymore, no matter how far his shadow is following me. I don’t tolerate with such thing. Not even with myself.

Perhaps he’ll come back or the shadow will leave eventually. I dare not think. Just go with the flow. As of now, I try to be the best me in every way I could. All the endurance will make me stronger mentally and emotionally for the future.

Mr. Future-bf, sile datang dengan cepat, and take this pain away. Aahahahaha.... *as though others could take the pain away from me. Silly*

This September I will celebrate my 2nd year of being single. Waaaa....macam anak dara tak laku je sbb single terlalu lama...ahahahah...

July 2010

uhh....Bulan yang menyesakkan....aku rase aku cam stress gile yang telah menyebabkan aku berbelanja secara berlebihan....uhmmm......ye ke terlebih stress?maybe...but on the other hand aku rasa sbb aku nye belanja ke atas barang2 unexpected...

tapi takpe...aku bersyukur dgn rezeki yang ade.... :)

tapi....wahai encik ujung bulan...sile datang dengan cepat ye....eheheheh

*sigh*

Dehydrated, demotivated...

tired, to the extend that if i am so sleepy i could kill anyone who gets on my nerve.

missing, someone who used to be part of me

hating, nobody, but will do if the person said anything unnecessary AGAIN

loving, mia familia, BFF

hoping, everything will be okay

wishing 1, the shattered pieces to be put back in place together, doesn't matter using what kind of stick or glue..

wishing 2, the one returns

waiting, phone call that'll make me happy, and change my life *sigh*

repressing, trying, but no, i can't do it on my own, need professional help...but no, let's just keep it there

wondering, when the time will come

listening, to the heart, to the brain

sleeping, damn i wish i could...

trying, killing the old me

changing, to a new, much more heartless *not impossible, just hard*

opening, the heart, wish i could though

closing, heart to suckers, idiots (maybe i am one of those people, can i close my heart to myself?)

being, you must be easy, right? *serves you right*

smiling, fake

wasting, time waiting

lying, to myself, to my heart

i'm done.

have you ever - s club 7

"Have You Ever"

Sometimes it's wrong to walk away, though you think it's over
Knowing there's so much more to say
Suddenly the moment's gone
And all your dreams are upside down
And you just wanna change the way the world goes round

Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking
Lookin down the road you should be taking
I should know, cos I loved and lost the day I let you go

Can't help but think that this is wrong, we should be together
Back in your arms where I belong
Now I've finally realised it was forever that I've found
I'd give it all to change the way the world goes round

Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking
Lookin down the road you should be taking
I should know, cos I loved and lost the day I let you go

I really wanna hear you say that you know just how it feels
To have it all and let it slip away, can't you see
Even though the moment's gone, I'm still holding on somehow
Wishing I could change the way the world goes round

Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry (I'm sorry)
Can't you see, (ohhh) that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking
Lookin down the road you should be taking
I should know, (I should know) cos I loved and lost the day I let
Yes I loved and lost the day I let
Yes I loved and lost the day I let you go

have you ever - brandy

"Have You Ever?"

[Chorus]
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start
[Chorus]

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all of your life
You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care
[Chorus]

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Cuz baby I can't sleep
[Chorus]

Another Emotional Breakdown

Perhaps it's the time again where i'm being tested how strong i could be. I am facing an emotional breakdown once again, thanks to you for bringing the story up. This is the reason i prefer to keep it buried in my heart and choose to believe the person, even though i know it's all lies. Thank you so much!

I hate people meddling in this business, when he doesn't know not even half of the story. Why? Advice would be something inconvenience if one doesn't know the whole story. Maybe you think you are in the right place to give advice, but no. You are not someone to give advice now. Because you are not someone i'd like to talk to regarding this matter. Because to me you did nothing. And you're not someone i'd confide in.

You don't even know the truth. The hurt, the pain. What we've been through. The emotional breakdown that we've been through. And for who do you think we've been able to be this strong?

Am I not being grateful? Perhaps to you no. But you'll never knw what's inside my heart. Trust me, you don't.

With this, I officially confess that I miss bubub. He was the closest one to me. Doesn't always understand me but always there for me. Feels like i've no one to share things with.

But he's not here with me. Maybe he's not what i need for now. Perhaps God wants me to learn to endure things on my own. Maybe that's how I'll live for the rest of my life. Not to rely on others but myself. The way I've been doing it since i was a child. It's time to do the same thing over and over again.

Please be strong, dear me...